Welcome to Erin Bettenhausen's Web Site

-- Posted on Wednesday, November 1 2006

This will be my last entry...

First I have to say Happy Birthday to our angel Erin, she would be five years old today.

I want to say thankyou to all who have stopped by Erins site, a HUGE thankyou to those who actually posted in the guestbook. Keep her in your hearts forever...never forget

For our prescious Erin.... We will love you forever, time will never fill the hole in our hearts, its a place that only you could...unitl we meet in heaven.....

Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, October 25 2006

Good morning

So its been a month since I have last updated, and since then my baby turned a year old. He is such a brave adventurous little boy. He has learned to climb onto the dining room table so now we have to leave the chairs turned on their sides.

Luke is still enjoying school. Grant goes on a day to day basis, he gets frustrated easily with his reading.

A few weeks ago Laura asked me if we could go get Erin so they could have a tea party. I explained to her that Erin had died and that she was in heaven(a place so wonderful no one ever wants to come back from). To my surprise she started crying, really crying with tears and everything. Laura is an emotional little girl, she can cry at the drop of a hat, and then two seconds later be laughing and giving her best cheesy smile. About three to four times a week Laura will now talk about her "sister up in the twinkle stars", she says "Erin is my angel sister up in heaven" Laura doesn't understand death, all she wants is her sister to play with, a stinky one year old little boy doesn't cut it. All Aidan wants to do is suck on Barbies feet, and swing them around by their hair.

So my birthday is coming up this Friday. I won't be celebrating too much, I will be getting ready for a costume party we plan on having on Saturday. Should be good fun, haven't decided on what to dress-up as.

I suppose this Sunday we will go and visit our little angel at the cemetary, two years, almost, since I held her kissed her, smelled her or heard her. We miss her like crazy, and are still trying to figure out why it happened to us(like we will ever get an answer). I figure its something that will never go away, just like the hurt we have for the loss of our daughter. Erin's birthday will soon be approaching(November 1). I can't imagine what she would look like. My mom had a dream the other night. In her dream she was talking to Erin, and Erin was about twenty years old. Something we will never get to see. Sad really, would she act like me, go to college, what would she be? Time to stop, to sad to think about.

On a lighter note, we saw some snow last weekend. Hooray, bring it on. We are getting excited about starting up our fireplace as well.

I better get the house somewhat clean.

Thanks for stopping by, Holli and Chris

-- Posted on Monday, October 23 2006

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-- Posted on Monday, September 25 2006

Good morning

Its been a couple of weeks so I thought I would drop a line and let eveyone know whats up. Well not much, soory I know it sounds boring but thats ok.

The boys have started up soccer again and this year Luke and Grant are on the same team, and Chris is their coach. They have won two games and lost one. Grant scored a goal in one of his games so he is pretty proud of himself, he still talks about it. Aidan seems to run everywhere he goes. He loves to climb up on things, anything he can. He has the bruises to prove his climbing and walking abilities are not mastered. Finally his two front teeth are coming in. As for Laura, well she is busy everyday playing with the kittens in Erins cabin, she cooks for them and likes to push them around in her doll stroller. Chris and I in our spare time have been doing some fall cleaning around the yard. There is lots to do and College football doesn't make it any easier. Yes I am a football widow, enough said.

We have had some good rains and our trees are loving it. Our grass is so green and my mums are just starting to bloom, it is offically fall and everything about this time of year reminds us of Erin, even the smell outside. I love this time of year, granted Erin died, but it is in my mind I can see eveything so clearly of those last few weeks with her. I have a difficult time remembering every detail of her birth and even at 2mos., 4mos., 6mos., etc. But her illness and death are crystal. We stopped at her gravesite yesterday, cleaned things up a bit and placed a scarecrow there. Then we went to my parents house for the afternoon, we picked pumpkins, the kids got to ride the "kid" quad/atv/4-wheeler whatever you want to call it, Erin was missed. The boys thought they were hot stuff riding around all by themselves. After that they did some mud jumping, don't know what that is, well its a huge pile of dirt they were jumping off and onto, and the end result was muddy clothes, shoes, etc. We all came home tired and ready for bed. I guess in a roundabout way that leads me to today, which is going to be filled with picking up the pieces from this weekend, all those fun things I refuse to do on the weekend, laundry, dishes, scrubbing the kitchen floor and canning the LAST tomatos.

Its time to go, Aidan is not being allowed to play with Lauras make-up and dolls.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Tuesday, September 5 2006

good morning

Its just as I thought, Luke really enjoys school and likes to talk about what he did that day and Grant, he don't say much at all, one word responses is all I usually get.

Laura hasn't said to much about them being gone during the day, but is always very eager to go and pick them up.

Our little Aiddy(Aidan) has taken a few more steps on his own, it won't be long now. He and Laura have had the chance to bond (yeah right) now that the boys are back in school. Most of the time Aidan is getting into Laura girly things, you know the barbies, the polly pocket clothes(which he loves to eat, ok so he just chews on them,probably because I fish them out of his mouth before he can swallow).

We went on one last summer fling this weekend. It was with Chris' side of the family. I had the "pleasure" of wearing a swimsuit, we stayed all weekend at the Great Wolf Lodge down in KC. The kids had a blast. I'm glad to be home, back in the routine. Its nice being able to spread out a little, don't get me wrong the hotel was great, but somehow being confined to one room and four small children can wear you down, QUICKLY. Thanks to Jeff and Kim, they put up with our kids bombarding their room wanting to play with the cousins.

Erin was surely missed, but whats new right, Laura could have used her sister to play with, instead Laura made new friends"best friends" at the waterpark.

I should end this, lots of work to catch up on. Thanks for stopping by.

Holli

-- Posted on Tuesday, August 22 2006

Good afternoon

Hooray! school starts tomorrow. Grant isn't as thrilled, he still wants to stay up late and have friends and cousins spend the night. Luke is very excited, I hope his enthusiasm sticks around all year long. Laura said she wants to go to school to. I know that there are going to be some tears from her when she finds out the boys have gone to school without her.

Aidan had his eyes probed last Monday. He had been suffering from blocked tear ducts ever since birth. There is a 10% chance it won't work. But his eyes look good for now. Poor baby had to be strapped down fully awake while they did it, it only took a few minutes and thank God I wasn't around to see it. They brought him out to us in the waiting room, he had was trying to catch his breath he had been crying so hard. Good thing he won't remember it. That was always what we told ourselves about Erin procedures, she is to young to remember it. She was a trooper but still suffered, I am so glad she will never have to suffer again. As for the rest of my children there will be much suffering throughout their lives from sickness, heartbreak/heartache from boyfriends/girlfriends, schooling, jobs, you name it, never on the scale of Erins suffering(at least I pray not).

Other than that we are busy around here getting ready for fall, making plans on all the projects we want to get done before winter.

Our pumpkins are ready to be harvested but its to early I hope they can survive long enough to make it to October. Speaking of October, its coming up so fast, Aidan will be one. And you guessed it the boys have dug into our Halloween costumes and decor. They are already trying to decide what to be this year.

I am ready to clean up my garden but I still have tons of tomatos, hot peppers, and onions so I can't just yet.

And so it goes, time to start supper. Thanks for visiting,

Holli and family

-- Posted on Monday, July 31 2006

Afternoon

Its way to hot to be outside right now so I thought I would update a little.

Our, if you would call it a "vacation", is over we just went to the zoo one day and the childrens' museum the next. We all enjoyed it. Aidan did extremely well. He still isn't walking but getting into everything.

I canned corn today at my moms, with one of my sisters.

My Dad is going great considering his surgery last week, to make it short and sweet he had his shoulder(the ball that rotates your arm) replaced. He is very sore but getting along better than he thought. All those years living in that wheelchair(Thanks to Vietnam).

Laura has been having lots of tea parties lately, she has a wild imagination. She came downstairs one morning and said she had a tea party with Erin. I asked her what Erin was wearing, Laura said she had on a "Snow White" dress, and she had blue hair. Then she told me that she(Laura) was going to get some wings like a bird and turn into an angel. I told her lets hope that doesn't happen for a long time. She needs a regular girl playmate. What life would be like if she had her sister. I was thinking the other day that Erin would have been five this year.
What a smart girl she would be, almost getting done with preschool, would kindergarten be next? How could I forget the day Laura told me that Erin wasn't dead, she was at the old house and needed us to go and get her. She said Erin wasn't sick anymore that we could take her to the doctor, and make her better. Two Sunday's ago Laura and Aidan and I went to my parents country church, on our way out there Laura asked if we were going to be picking up Erin. Once again I had to tell her that Erin was in heaven that she had died because she was very sick, and once again Laura said "take her to the doctor and fix it." If only that would have worked!!

Memory of Erin.....We had a party for Erin on her first birthday and I can remember her and her older cousin(by about 6 months) were sitting by each other, somebody can't remember who, wanted to take their picture, when they said "say cheese" she did! shocked us. By fifteen months old she could say her uncles names her brothers names and the usual cow, duck, baby, ball, etc. We have it all on video. We need to get a new VCR(if they still make them) so we can watch those videos, all our VCR's eat tapes.

Time to move on the next project for the day, Grant needs to read and Luke needs to practice writing his alphabet, school will be here soon.

Thanks for stopping by, don't be afraid to leave a message. Stay cool. There is relief insight, 80's by Wednesday.

Later Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, July 19 2006

Good evening

All I have to say is THANKYOU president Bush, for seeing that those "embryos" are life, and that its not right to destroy them for the sake of research. How many lives would it take to find your cures you say you might find? I guess most people don't respect life enough in this country, I know the President has gotten lots of flack for doing what he did but I can only support him. I have five children, having lost one only rings more true to me how wonderful these gifts from GOd are. Even if it would have been the answer to someday curing Erin, its just not right, GOD never intended for us to destory his gifts.

Thankyou, once again for protecting our innocent future.

-- Posted on Thursday, July 13 2006

Good evening

Wow what a week its been! Its Thursday and it feels like it should be Friday. A busy week I decided on Tuesday to have a yard sale on Wed. and Thurs. My sisters and I have put together a huge display of numerous items. We decided that there is so much stuff we are going to continue on Saturday.

No vacations for us just lots of work, the garden is getting away from me. The pickles and tomatoes are abundant(sp) I need to make more (kraut) my more cabbage is ready. The kids are confining themselves to the cool basement most of these HOT days. The county fairs are starting and they are anxious to go ride the rides. Way to expensive for us, but what can you do its only once a year, right?

I wish I could say things were more interesting around here, thankfully there not I remember those days with Erin, how I wished our lives were "quiet and normal" . I remember I was sitting in the hosiptal with her, wishing I could be stuck outside AT HOME working in the garden under that intense heat, it was always so cold in the hosiptal.

Life marches on for us. Everyone is doing great. We are making it, somehow. God is always there to provide for us. Sometimes we forget to ask him for help.

Loving you always, Erin, missing you dearly!!

Later
Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, June 21 2006

Afternoon

How could I have forgotten about Fathers Day. Sorry 'bout that...HAPPY FATHERS DAY to all dads out there, especially Erins Daddy. We love you so much you are always there for us. We couldn't make it without you.

Lots of goodies from the garden these days, Thanks to the heavens above for opening up the other night and giving us over two inches of rain.

SO can you guess what the boys are bugging about lately-The Fourth of July, I don't know which they like more Halloween or July 4th. They are counting down the days until they can buy them and set some off. I am reminded of the few "Fourths" we had with Erin. I had bought everyone some red white or blue to wear one year, and we had big plans to celebrate but fate stepped in and Erin ended up with a major set back(some kind of infection) she was life flighted to Omaha a few days before the "Fourth" I got to fly with her, we got to watch fireworks from the helicopter, although Erin was to "out of it" to know. She had such a cute outfit to wear that year, and the holiday came and went without her getting a chance to wear it. Last week we dug it out of Erins clothes bag and Laura squeezed into it. You see no matter if it fits or not if she sees girly clothes she has never worn before(meaning Erins) she just has to try it on, then good luck getting it off. Im sure Erin wouldn't mind. Erin did finally wear it once, a few weeks after the Fourth of July.

Missing you Erin, thanks for keeping me company while I am weeding the garden, even though you cannot respond I know you are there.

Enjoying the summer-The Bettenhausens

-- Posted on Wednesday, June 7 2006

Good Afternoon

Well we are getting a few things from our garden, onions radishes, and all the garlic one person could ever want. We need some rain.

Aidan has got his first tooth, maybe I already said that, but it looks like there maybe two more coming in. I took him to the doctor today 20lbs4oz. He has a boil on his thigh that is infected so he had to get a shot, I have to take him back again tomorrow. Its some of the same antibiotics Erin used to get(all the heavy hitting kind) Aidan has also managed to pull himself up on everything he can get his hands on, even if it won't support his weight, once he is standing he likes to let go, we all know what happens then.

We made it out to Erins grave on memorial day. I picked some flowers from here, they were all different shades of pink, she would have loved them. We all wish we could have her here with us healthy like all children should be. But we will wait to be called home to heaven then what a glorious reunion with our beautiful angel Erin.

Not much else to say, its hot, its almost summer, and all I hear everyday is "Whats there to do, can we go to the neighbors" When does school start?

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Monday, May 22 2006

Good morning

Whats been happening since last week...well I feel as though I have been working like a slave trying to keep enough water on the garden, the new trees and the lawn. There is also the weeding of the garden, the mowing and how could I forget the housework. Although the house is a little lacking only because we have had lots of nice days, and the yardwork needs to be done. If we ever get a rainy day I will stay indoors a catch up on laundry.

May is almost over, that means Memorial weekend, camping, swimming and summer. This weekend we have a wedding,(Friday), Saturday we are having a small overnight party, tents in the backyard, a bonfire, and some grilling, games, and hopfully lots of fun. Sunday will be a rest day then on Monday we will visit the graves of loved ones lost. Especially our little angel Erin.

Speaking of Erin, we are all missing her lots lately, Luke has brought her to mind several times, asking me if I remembered when she shared a bedroom with them, we got to talking about how her feeding pump would go off in the middle of the night when she would lay on it wrong and put a kink in the tube(Oh my the annoying beeping) . Grant keeps saying he wants to make an "alive" potion so he can bring Erin back to life, along with the kitten we lost earlier this month. And then there is Laura she was helping me clean the storage room out in the basement and we found some clothes of Erins I had saved. Laura was to big for them but insisted on us looking thru them, which brought back lots of memories. Aidan, well everytime I see him smile I see a part of Erin. She sure picked out a good baby for us. Every night as I am rocking Aidan to sleep she is right there. The rocker recliner we bought when she was on treatment is now in Aidans room. That rocker helped us get thru some tough nights with Erin, when all she wanted to do was to be held. There were somedays that we wouldn't hardly move from that spot, all she wanted to do was rock back and forth. If I needed a break she would be content to lay in that chair by herself. I have learned to sleep upright because of that chair.

Well I have gone on long enough, Aidan is taking his morning nap and I need to get somethings done.

Have a safe Memorial Day Weekend

The Bettenhausens

-- Posted on Tuesday, May 16 2006

Congratulations to my sister and her husband-Its a boy!

-- Posted on Sunday, May 14 2006

Good evening

I know it seems so soon but I thought if I had a chance to update I would, take them as you get them.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there, although you know there are some that are "mothers" but don't really play the part, that don't deserve to be. It is a privilege to me and I accept my roll as a mother to be the work of God. He works everyday thru me, to help me do the tasks that are asked of me. I call on him numerous times each and everyday.

Its these special days that I miss Erin the most. Being her mother was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I would have never thought a child so young could have taught me soooo.. much. Her trials in life were a wake-up call from God. It doesn't seem fair her life was sacrificed to teach me a lesson or to show me the way. Maybe it wasn't just for me to learn, maybe several people were awakened by her struggles in life. Hopefully you all learned a little something about yourselves and you are now a better person for it. Does any of that make sence, I don't know its these journal entries I usually end up erasing. I don't make public everything I write.

On a lighter note Aidan is crawling all over the place, he has pulled himself up to his feet, the only problem is he can't get back down once he is up. He is seven months old today, and this of all days he decided to say "da, da". I guess its easier than "ma, ma".

Its time to stop, I have a little helper who, is fighting me for the keys, maybe he has something to say. (goodnight hopefully).

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Tuesday, May 9 2006

Happy Anniversary to my Husband

Five kids and eight years later, here we are still crazy about each other, and looking forward to many more years of wedded bliss(ha ha) No really, I love you lots!!!

Erin we love you and miss you, thinking of you lots, every time I see your little brother Aidan I see bits and pieces of you. He can make the same faces and has that glorious smile. He also gets me right in the back of the ankle/foot with his walker just like you used to(OUCH!)

I can't stay long as usual, just a few more things to put in our garden, the biggest one ever. Hopefully we will get a great crop this year, enough to give away I'm sure.

Just a reminder this Sunday is Mothers Day, don't forget your mother.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Monday, May 1 2006

Hello

Where do I begin, so much has happened in the six weeks or so. Our basement is finally finished, and our computer is once again up and running. I really missed reading and keeping in touch with the rhabdoid families, four children have died in the past six weeks, I see there is also a child added to the list of children still fighting this disease.

We have been getting some great weather here, the rain has been good for our 100+ trees we planted. Only have planted a few things in our garden. The kids are having a great time living out here. One of our mother cats had a three kittens about a week ago. We also celebrated Lukes 6th birthday on April 19th, and Lauras 3rd birthday on April 20th. Laura is now older than her older sister. Sometimes I see her acting so grown up being so loving and helpful to me, with Aidan, and then there are those times she still acts like a terrible two year old, kicking and screaming.

Aidan, he is half way thru his first year of life. At his six month checkup he weighed 18 1/2lbs. and had grown about three inches from his four month checkup. He rocks back and forth on his hands and knees, scoots backwards, RUNS in his walker. Has only been spitting and blowing bubbles until the other day he said "umm ba", I need to get a picture of him on here. He really looks like Erin, he can make a silly face just like she did, they have the same hair(really blonde, compared to the other kids).

Chris and I made a few laps at the relay for life April 21. It was sad not being able to have her there with us. Seeing her name written on a paper bag in line with so many others who have gone on to heaven just like her, brought a flood of emotions to both Chris and I.

May 6th will soon be approaching, it is Erins original dx date. Three days after that will be our wedding anniversary.

Well I am sure I have left lots of things out but its bedtime for me. I am looking forward to keeping Erins sight updated better. Thanks to those who still visit and drop us a line.

The Bettenhausens

PS New Address: 39822 State Hwy 22
Monroe, NE. 68647

-- Posted on Monday, May 1 2006

Good morning

We are finally out and about since our 2 feet of snow, yes our prayers were answered. At least mine and Chris's, we love the snow, I think we are living in the wrong state though. Thanks to our neighbor for helping to dig us out.

Haven't been updating much lots of construction going on downstairs, thats where the computer is set up.

I had beautiful dream/vision of Erin last week,(while I was rocking Aidan I dosed off) she looked so good, her hair was about shoulder length, she had on a satin yellow dress, with a big bow tied in the back. She was just smiling, standing outside by a big tree the sun was shining behind her and it looked as though she was glowing.

I will have to catch up later, Laura is begging for a hotdog, and I can hear Aidan up from his morning nap.

Holli

-- Posted on Friday, March 3 2006

Good morning

Well the big move is done, now all thats left is putting things away, and starting a few projects to make this house our own.

The kids love it!! They now have seven cats to play with along with the three dogs we already had. Aidan even seems to like it out in the country, he sleep thru the night for the first time.

A BIG thankyou to my parents for helping us move, six trailers of stuff wasn't fun to move but we did it. Thanks to Uncle Joe and Uncle Brent for helping take on the heavy furniture. We will repay you!

Kids got over their illnesses but Grant is home again today with a sore throat and fever. Hope he gets over it soon.

I haven't missed the old house yet maybe not enough time has gone by, I think we all feel Erin is right here with us. I know she would have loved to have had the chance to play with all the cats we have now, kittens should be arriving soon too.

Well I can't stay lots to do, I'll catch up again soon thanks for visiting and leaving postings in the guestbook, they mean so much to us.

Holli

-- Posted on Friday, February 17 2006

Good morning

Its been a busy week. Tuesday we moved Erins cabin to the new house. Chris said it made him feel like to new house could be our home. That wherever Erins cabin went she went. After moving it my mom said "well now Erin's home." We haven't made the move yet, not until the first of March. We needed to move that first, we knew the weather was going to be turning for the worst, and so it has. They are talking a high of 12 today,Brrrrrrrrrrr.

Wednesday Aidan had his four month check-up. He is up to 17lbs. He has started eating cereal, the formula wasn't satisfying him anymore. He has even tried a little squash. He rolled over last week but I didn't see it. he has been working hard on that. When I put him in his walker he pushes backward and can actually make it go. Typical ACTIVE BOY. He still has tons of smiles to share, always smiling, if he hasn't put a toy in his mouth.

Laura was asking me about names the other night, to make a long story short she wanted to know Grant and Lukes middle names. We went thru the whole family, including Erin. I told her she had a big sister whose name was Erin Christine, I told her she had died. Laura's response was "Oh, she died?" Now everytime I mention Erin or we see a picture of her she says, "she died", and gets a serious/pouty look on her face the one where she tilts her head down and yet looks up without moving her head. Some day she will understand, and then wish she were here to play with.

The boys are excited about the move they can't wait to live out in the country. Mostly because we told them they could have cats now. Aside from that Grant would like to have rabbits and Luke wants chickens but no roosters.

Chris and I are looking forward to planting a few hundred trees, and a huge garden.

Time to wrap this up. Kids need breakfast. Thankyou to all who still stop by, it helps to keep Erins memory alive.

Prayers to Vals family,they lost her this past week, She was a friend of ours. She had a heart of gold.

Prayers to little Kaitlyn(ATRT fighter) her family says she probably won't make it thru the day. Its been a long painful journey for her. God give her peace and comfort.

A BIG thankyou to my uncle Dave for helping us move Erins cabin. He was one of the guys who put it together. We were so grateful he could help us move it.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Tuesday, February 7 2006

Afternoon

Once again I am rushed at typing this. I have to leave to get Grant from school in about 10 minutes. I just wanted to update on whats been happening lately. We have sold our house and are moving about 15 minutes away from here. We found a little acreage and are excited about moving. Yes there are lots of memories here of Erin, not so many that were that good, but I wouldn't give them up either. It is just another step in our lives we are moving on to. I will give more details later.

Just when I get done saying we have been rather healthy this winter, BAM!, everyone of my children gets a nasty cold/cough and poor little Aidan gets it the worst, he has RSV but not bad enough to be in the hospital, thanks to Erin and all her medical equipment we can hopefully take care of him at home. We have her old nebulizer for breathing treatments and her suction machine to suck out all the "boogies" that are making it so hard for him to breath at night. I never thought I would have to use those things again. I pray everyone gets better here soon. No sleep for mom, makes for a very long day, especailly when Daddy is out of town for a few days, I get to take care of everyone all by myself.

Well thats all for now, time to go.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Monday, January 30 2006

Its Lunch time!

But I just wanted to remind everyone of just how prescious life is. I just saw on the news that in Brazil a couple was out walking by a lake and they heard cries coming from a bag tied shut floating out on the lake. The man got a stick and pulled the bag ashore because they thought it was a cat inside. It turned out that it was a two month old baby girl! It gave me goosebumps and turned my stomach all at the same time. HOw can people choose to destroy life(abortion included)? What goes thru parents minds when they abuse their children? We fought so damn hard to keep Erin alive, and to hear sooooooooo, often about children getting hurt or killed by supposed loving parents or caregivers. It's NOT fair, I just don't get it and I know I won't until I meet my maker. There I got it off my chest, now go hug and kiss your children and be thankful the one up above trusted you enough to give you such a wonderful gift.

HOlli

-- Posted on Tuesday, January 24 2006

Good morning

Well all over the television this morning people are talkng about how this is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year. I am to busy to be depressed, especially if they are saying it on T.V. I guess, I think that is sounds a little superstitious(sp), just because someone says it doesn't make it true.

I am in a hurry this morning so forgive any mistakes in spelling.

We are all getting along great, Laura has a slight cold, mostly just a runny nose. the weather has been good to us we can get outside everyday, not sure if winter is ever going to catch us. Aidan is growing like a weed, he is such a good baby, always smiling. he has been trying without knowing it, to roll over. He gets his legs all twisted to the side, he just can't get his heavy torso over. All in good time.

Grant keeps begging me to take his baby brother to school, I would but it is difficult when Luke and Laura have to come with.

Our weekends most recently have been consisting of cutting and splitting wood, which Chris and I both enjoy. He lugs the heavy logs and I run the splitter. We hope to have a big supply ready for next winter.

Thats all for now, thanks for visiting and keeping Erin in your thoughts.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, January 4 2006

Good morning

Well we survived(but not without heartache) our year of firsts without Erin. Our first Easter, our first mothers and fathers day, our first Fourth of July, and our first family vaction without Erin. Each event we missed her dearly. Her one year death anniversary, it doesn't seem possible that she has been gone from us for over a year now. She should still be with us, we fought so hard to keep her here. Life would not be so easy for our family. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and cousins miss her too, and think of her often.

Grant is back to school today. Hooray!! no more fights between them to put up with, until he gets home.
Aidan is fighting thrush again, and his blocked tear ducts won't seem to clear up either. Other than that he is such a smily happy baby. I would have to say Laura is completely potty trained now, she hasn't had an accident in some time, and will go by herself if I am busy with Aidan.
I finally have the house back in order. We had a small New Years Eve party, and then a New years Day/Birthday party for Grant. We still have our real Christmas tree up and nativity set. They will probably come down sometime next week.
As far a Chris, well he would have to tell you his thoughts, One thing I know is that he trying to come up with someplace to go on vacation this summer. He'll have to remember we will have a six/seven month old.
This weather, how crazy, when is it going to feel like winter? I don't mind the cold and snow, maybe I need to move. Someplace where I am guaranteed a white christmas, and cold winter.
Laundry is calling, hopefully Aidan will give me a chance to fold it.
Thanks for visiting
Oh and congrats to my brother Marty, he got engaged this Christmas.

Later
Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, December 28 2005

Afternoon visitors

If you didn't notice the new pictures check them out! Most were never seen by us before, they were all on Grandpa's camera. Big thanks once again to uncle Brent for loading those on.

We all made it thru Christmas, santa was good to the kids, although maybe he shouldn't have been. I can't wait for school to start again, just like every other parent out there. Grant has a birthday coming up on Jan. 1, he will be seven years old.

Oh great!, the boys just woke up my little prince(Aidan), time to go I will finish up later.

Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, December 21 2005

I just wanted to give a big thankyou to uncle Brent for fixing Erins website. The new photos are actually of christmas 2003. Erin was wearing her stocking on her head in the first photo. Grant and Luke showed her how to do that. I forgot how little Laura was, so chubby and cute though. Aidan looks nothing like Laura, Laura looks nothing like the rest of the kids.

I still hope to get pictures of Aidan up soon.

Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, December 14 2005

Good evening

I have to start off by saying I don't know how much I am going to get typed tonight, all my kids are bugging me, but if I don't do it now it won't get done, so they are just going to have to wait.

The snow is almost melted so I suppose we won't be having a white Christmas. Its been so cold and cruddy out I haven't got to Erins grave to put up the Christmas stuff, maybe we will get a chance this week. I made Christmas cookies and candies with my sisters and my mom yesterday. Kids were screaming, christmas music was blaring, and the toffee boiled over and burnt, other than that things went great, serious that is nothing compared to what could have happened.

I took Aidan to the doc today for his two month checkup, a whopping 14.3lbs and he grew an inch and a half. He didn't get any shots because they didn't have them, they hope to have them in by next week but they said that there are no gurantees. I made an appointment with another doctor on Friday so hopefully they will have them.

The other kids are doing good, we have been thru a couple of colds but other than that, they are anxiously awaiting going to Grandmas house for christmas.

Chris and I are doing ok. We think of Erin so much. What ifs come to mind so much during this holiday season. The kids bring her name up here and there, its always the same "I wish Erin was still alive so we could ...." THey fill in the blank with various ideas. They wish they could have her here to play games with them, they need her to even out the sides, boys against girls. One of the first days it snowed I think it was Grant who said that Erin and all the other angels were haveing a pillow fight.

We are trying to get some new pictures up, some of Aidan and some of Erin at christmas. I guess that would be all for now. Thanks for visiting.

Merry Christmas,
Chris, Holli, Grant, Luke, Erin, Laura, and Aidan

-- Posted on Friday, December 2 2005

Good morning

Where to start...WE had a great Thanksgiving Holiday. Everything went so smoothly on Thanksgiving at our house. The house was full people, its days like that you wish you had a bigger house. Everyone showed up except for my oldest brother and his girlfriend.

We have already decked the halls around here. Grant wanted a fake tree to put up, while Luke insisted we get a real one. We satisfied both boys, but little did they know that was what I was planning on anyway. I let them think they got their way. Finally got some snow around here too. Now it looks a little more like Christmas. I haven't started Christmas shopping yet, my traditional day after Thanksgiving shopping spree didn't happen this year.

Aidan is growing so fast, he is smiling all the time now, and even started cooing(sp). His two month checkup is just around the corner. I am anxious to see how much he weighs.

My sisters and I are trying to plan a day when we can make Christmas cookies together, but it seems as though someone is always sick or somebody has something else going on.

I wanted to say, for the rhabdoid families, I am praying for you this holiday season. Especially for those that have recently lost their child, and others that have recently got bad news in their fight against it.

On a lighter note, Laura has decided to go potty like a big girl. She doesn't want to wear a diaper anymore. I make her at night(so i don't have to wash her sheets eveyday) just until she gets the hang of it. This a milestone I never got experience with Erin. I often wonder if she(Erin) could have helped out Laura with it.
How great it would be to have both my girls.

Well Happy Holidays to all, I don't know if I will update again before Christmas. I will try.

Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, November 16 2005

Good morning

I have got only about five minutes to give a little update.

We are going to be baptizing little Aidan this weekend, finally I know. I came from a family that baptizes babies at about two weeks old, so we are a little behind. I want to say thanks to Father Rod ahead of time, he has been there with us thru such difficult times with Erin we thought he should be there for some happy times too!

I will be hosting Thanksgiving this year for about 25 guests at our house, for my side of the family(its my turn) so I have got lots of cleaning and cooking to do. I love throwing parties so I am very excited.

Things we are thankful for:
Our new baby
The health of our children and ourselves
Family and friends
For Erin, and to God for giving us the opportunity to be her parents.
So many more things but my time is limited

Happy early birthday wishes to my husband Chris(37) on November 20th.
Happy Thanksgiving to all.

-- Posted on Wednesday, November 16 2005

Good afternoon

I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who has kept Erins memories alive by visiting this website. Being able to share her life with so many has helped us cope with her death.

The stresses of a new baby is forcing me to stop updating. Occasionally, I will, but for now I think I will take a break. I kind of planned this, since our year of firsts is over. What else can I say about our little Erin? I have to admit that it was harder this year not having her here for her birthday than it was last year. I suspect the holidays will feel the same.

Some plans we have for the coming months...we have been planning these for some time, but things come up you know...

*placing a headstone at Erins grave
*getting family pictures taken with Erin somehow remembered in them
*baptism for little Aidan

I would like to get some pictures up of our new little man, we will have to see what becomes of my good intentions.

Here we go again, "Aidy", as we sometimes call him is calling my name.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Tuesday, November 1 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIN!!!

You would have been four years old today. When I was up with Aidan around five this morning I was thinking back to the day you were born. We had an early c-section scheduled, we didn't know that we were going to be getting a little girl. When they pulled you out I remember your Dad saying with such surprise "It's a girl, It's a girl!!!!" We were so tickled to have a little princess, I couldn't wait to put you in a little dress.

I am going to make you a birthday cake today, cherry chip, with pink frosting. We will have ice cream too!! I hope you get to have cake and ice cream up there in heaven. Since I can't kiss and hug you on birthday I will distribute them to your brothers and sister today!!

We miss you and love you. We are more angry than sad that you can't be with us today. Its not fair that you had to go, but we know one day we will be celebrating together. Until we meet again sweet Angel Erin.

Love
Dad, Mom, Grant, Luke, Laura, and Aidan

-- Posted on Saturday, October 29 2005

Good Afternoon

I have been meaning to update all day, but time just keeps slipping by. Remembering every moment of last year, and having no regrets!!! We miss you soooooo much Erin.

I found a poem that says alot about the way we feel today and everyday. Until we meet again my sweet angel XOXOXOXOX

Sweet Dreams
by Dawn Glenton

Sweet dreams are all I have of you, they're all you left behind,
Those cherished, lovely memories, never again to find.
On earth you were so wonderful, no child could I compare
To all the love you gave to me, you were so meek, so rare.
Sweet dreams they keep me going through the long and lonely night,
How much I wish that I could hug you here and squeeze you oh so tight.
If I could walk to heaven dear, to see you everyday,
Just know I'd never want to leave, I know I'd long to stay.
We parted here on earth my child, but God's will shall be done,
Then dreams will be reality for once more we'll be one,
I love you for eternity, forever and some more,
Because you were the sweetest child, the kindest, the most pure.
If Heaven's full of Angels, like you were here on earth
I thank the Lord for lending you, for giving me your birth,
One day my child I'll see you there, so please look out for me,
You'll see my smile so wide before you see my spirit free.
God takes the sweetest Angels first this we know is true,
For he came here and looked around, my darling,
He chose you!

-- Posted on Tuesday, October 25 2005

Good morning

Aidan just went down for a nap so I thought I would give you a quick update. He went in for one week checkup last Friday, he weighed 8lbs. 8 oz. Growing so fast already. He is still a good baby never complaining too much. Sleeping at night needs some improvement, but as you know this is my fifth child so I know what so expect as far as sleeping patterns.

Each day the boys ask what day it is(don't ask me why they do this everyday, its one day later than yesterday) then they run to the calendar and count down they days until they get to wear their costumes.

Still don't know what to do about Saturday, hopefully I will know that day. With my hormones out of whack yet I hope it won't be a downer day.

Well I have to go, Aidan woke back up. I feel I am rambling anyway.

We love you Erin, we will never forget you. Thinking back to one year ago, and cherishing those sweet menories of you.

Holli and Chris

-- Posted on Monday, October 17 2005

Good morning

Well we are back home. We got our fifth child Friday morning. As we were expecting it was a boy we named him Aidan Thomas. He looks like our oldest Grant. Erin looked like Grant to, so I guess you could say he looks like Erin as well. He is a good baby, he hasn't been to fussy yet. He has got a good head of hair already. He weighed 7lbs. 15oz. and was 20 and 1/2 inches long. We are looking forward to loving him up and watching him grow.

Chris and Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, October 5 2005

Good morning

Yes its been a while, I have been to tired lately to update. Only ten days left until this little wiggle worm gets to show himself. We are also quickly approaching Erins one year death anniversary. I am not sure how we are going to recognize that day. I have read several different ideas that other parents have done, just not sure yet. I am not sure how this day can be much different than any other day. I think of her each and everyday. She is never far from our thoughts. Her name and memories come up quite often at the dinner table.

Laura has been running a low grade fever. Just yesterday and this morning. It doesn't seem to slow her down much. No other signs of flu or cold, don't know whats going on.

The boys have been busy decorating for one of their favorite holidays. Their bedroom even has spooks hanging up. Luke wants to be a Ninja or is it a Grim Reaper for halloween. Grant wants to be an Indian for school and then on the halloween night he would like to dress up as some kind of "torture guy" I don't know what that is exactly, mostly he wants to carry around weapons. These ideas for dressing up change regularly. Laura will be some kind of princess or ballerina. She loves cinderella and likes to get in her dress up clothes. She sings and dances most days. I can't wait for christmas, she is going to be so easy to buy for.

Chris and I are still trying to decide on a name for the baby. My mother asks me just about everyday if we have come up with a name. I need to see the baby first.

Don't know much else. I probably won't update again until after the baby is born. Chris will have to take over for a while, I won't be able to do steps for a couple of weeks. Oh, I almost forgot Happy Birthday to my Dad this Friday.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Tuesday, September 27 2005

This is an interesting article about the state of childhood cancer drugs. Children are our future.......

Chris

Research Near Standstill for Childhood Cancer Drugs Sun Sep 25, 8:00 PM ET

Effective treatments are not yet available for 20-25% of children diagnosed with cancer — and few new drugs appear to be coming anytime soon, according to a report from the non-profit Institute of Medicine (IOM). The authors of "Making Better Drugs for Children with Cancer" warn that drug research is near a standstill for most types of childhood cancer.

"There's a desperate need for new approaches," said Peter Adamson, MD, an editor of the IOM report. "The success in pediatric oncology has been made with drugs that have been around for 30 years," he said.

Doctors made great progress for many years, mainly by giving children more intense chemotherapy regimens using drugs developed for adults. Survival rates soared for certain cancers like acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) — then hit a plateau 4-5 years ago.

"Our ability to move ahead has waned. Overcoming the most difficult cancers with higher doses is not likely to succeed anymore," said Adamson.

The Missing Profit Motive…and a Bright Idea

About 400 new chemical agents are currently in development for cancers that strike adults, Adamson said. For children, on the other hand, only about 100 clinical trials are open at any given time, according to the National Cancer Institute. Some of these look at new drugs, but many are studying new uses of older therapies.

Many scientific discoveries that show promise for treating childhood cancers lie undeveloped, according to the IOM report; because childhood cancer is relatively rare, the market is too small to be worth the hundreds of millions of dollars needed to bring an experimental drug through testing to gain FDA approval.

"There's not a profit in developing drugs for children's cancers," explained Malcolm Smith, MD, PhD, who oversees new pediatric drug development for the National Cancer Institute.

"We have very powerful tools now being applied by pharmaceutical companies. They allow us to learn more than ever before about what allows cancer cells to grow," said Smith. "It's so important to use these tools now for childhood cancers," he added.

The IOM report calls for a new public-private partnership to speed up drug discovery.

Government, academic researchers, private industry, and patient advocacy groups would work together. Drug companies might allow their private "libraries" of experimental agents to be tested against pediatric cancer cells by government researchers—perhaps even before screening them for other uses—and the companies would keep the rights to sell treatments that prove successful.

And the National Cancer Institute would become a "developer of last resort" when a company decided not to fund the research and development of a drug that showed promise only for children with cancer.

'Targeted Drugs' Offer a Sliver of Hope

Some of the new drugs being testing for children with cancer are "targeted" therapies, which zero in on cancer cells but spare normal cells, so they cause fewer harmful side-effects than standard treatments. Those side-effects can create lifelong medical problems for survivors of childhood cancers.

"For many children current therapies are curative," said Adamson. "But the price they pay in long-term side effects is far too high."

About 20 targeted agents are being tested against children's cancers, but like the chemotherapy drugs in current use, most were developed for adults. A few active clinical trials are listed below, and information about others may be available from the Pediatric Oncology Branch, Center for Cancer Research, at NCI.

Avastin (bevacizumab) – for neuroblastoma and certain sarcomas. Iressa (gefitinib) – moving into phase II trials for brain tumors and some sarcomas. Rituxan (rituximab) – for children with lymphoma. Mylotarg (gemtuzumab ozogamicin) – in phase III trials for acute myeloid leukemia in children Lapatinib – for children with brain disease. Gleevec (imatinib)¬ – for children newly diagnosed with Philadelphia chromosome-positive acute lymphocytic leukemia, along with standard chemotherapy.

Can these "smart-drugs" disable any of the 12 major cancer types that affect children?

"Aside from leukemias, the types of cancers children get are largely different from those of adults," explained Rick Alteri, MD, medical editor for the American Cancer Society. "Targeted therapies developed for adult cancers may work in children, but they may not," he said. "Pediatric cancers don't necessarily have the same gene mutations."

"On a positive note, if new targeted drugs are developed specifically for childhood cancers, they may be more effective than those used in adults, Childhood cancers tend to have fewer gene mutations driving the cancer, so attacking a single target with one of these new drugs may have more of an effect," said Alteri.

Children Can't Wait
Childhood cancer researchers are getting access more quickly now to new cancer drugs, said Smith--sometimes even before they're approved for adult use. In the past, long delays before being able to test drugs in children have been a problem. This is partly because drug companies were afraid that a rare but serious side-effect or death in a child taking an experimental drug could derail all testing of that agent for children or adults for any use.

Adamson feels that drug developers are unreasonably concerned about rare events. "The reality is children tolerate phase I therapy [new agents being tested to find the best dosage and possible side-effects] as well as or better than adults," said Adamson. "Once the initial studies are done – that is, phase I trials in adults – study should begin in children."

"We need some adult data, but should not have to wait a decade before beginning pediatric studies," he added. The IOM report offers specific suggestions to eliminate the current delays between testing a new cancer drug in adults and in children.

Cancer is still the leading cause of death by disease in US children ages 1-15 — it's expected to strike 9,510 children in 2005 and cause 1,585 tragic, premature deaths. If researchers could harness current scientific knowledge and tools to create new drugs, Adamson and colleagues write, "…there is every reason to believe that cure rates could be improved for all pediatric cancers, including those for which current long-term survival is very low, such as brain tumors."

Note: Parents looking for new treatments for their children can search for open clinical trials through the resources below.

American Cancer Society/EmergingMed Matching Service
Free, confidential search of more than 3,000 clinical trials. 1-800-ACS-2345

NCI Clinical Trials PDQ Search -- online or by phone at 1–800–4–CANCER

CureSearch: National Childhood Cancer Foundation and Children's Oncology Group

-- Posted on Friday, September 23 2005

Hello

So fall has arrived and I couldn't be more excited. Only three weeks left. I go in for weekly visits now, the baby seems happy and content. I pre-registered at the hospital on Thursday, it was exciting discussing all the plans for the baby.

Last Sunday Laura and I went to Erins grave to clean up the old faded flowers, we replaced them with a few fall decorations, I know Erin would approve.

The boys have us going thru Halloween decorations already, none have been put up yet, it makes me a little sad when I think about last year. Erin was here to enjoy them with us. Well maybe enjoy is a strong word, but at least she was still alive.

There really isn't much other news, we hope to get lots done this weekend, you see the Huskers are not playing this weekend, yea!!! Time to go figure out what to make for supper.

-- Posted on Thursday, September 15 2005

Good afternoon

Thought I would update a little. We have had a few interesting days recently. It all started last Friday night when my sister and her husband and their kids were over visiting us. Our power went out, we hadn't eaten supper, it was getting dark, and the kids wanted to watch T.V. We got along with pizza we picked up in town, candles and flashlights to see with and no T.V. just like in the good old days, we had to play games. Well it turns out our addition last year caused our underground lines to go bad, they should have been moved but were not. Thats all I have to say about that. Oh, we have power, they restored it that night after the kids went to bed. On monday morning I came downstairs to get the pieces of the crib so that I could put it together, when I went into the storage room, there was water standing, our brine tank for our watersoftner had a crack in it and leaked everywhere! We got that replaced and the floor is almost completely dry now. They say things happen in three's. I am still waiting for the third. Maybe my kidney stone a few weeks ago started it all. Either way we survived, we have been thru worse, no matter what comes our way we always look to God to help us thru. He is always there!!!

I bought a few things for Erins grave I haven't made it out there to clean up but plan on doing it either tonight or tomorrow. There last few cool nights have that smell that remind me of last fall, when we knew Erin would someday no longer be with us.

The boys are liking school, haven't heard of any wrong doings yet. So I assume everything is going ok. Grant has started soccer again, he has practice every Thursday night, then a game every Saturday only until mid-Oct. Luke was suppose to play but doesn't have any interest in it, so maybe next year.

Lots of people ask me how I have been feeling...If you are a women who has had children, you already know what its like those few final weeks before...If you are a man who is married and whose wife has had children you should know not to ask such a question? I mean do you really want to know, how much time do you have? For the most part I feel pretty good, I don't like to get into detail, when people ask those kinds of questions its not because they really want to know its just for conversation.

Well time for soccer got to go, thanks for stopping by..

Holli

-- Posted on Thursday, September 8 2005

Dear sweet Erin, just because we have been missing you!!

I miss your laughter, fun, and gentleness
by Nicholas Gordon

I miss your laughter, fun and gentleness.
I miss the things I used to do for you.
I miss the time, now filled with emptiness,
When each day was a stage for something new.
I miss your love, though mine for you remains
A passion with no outlet to the sea,
A teardrop in a desert, that contains
Whats left of my maternal ecstasy.
I miss your presence, like a silent chord
That anchored even solitude in grace.
I miss, for my love's labor the reward
Of seeing some small pleasure in your face.
All of these I miss, and yet they are all here
Within my heart, far more than I can bear.

Love ya
DAD and MOM

-- Posted on Wednesday, September 7 2005

Good morning

Well the summer is over for us, even though fall doesn't arrive until September 22. We had a nice relaxing Labor day weekend. College football started, I have to admit I am a football widow. Yes my husband starts watching these games on Thursday nights and barely takes his eyes off the t.v. until Sunday night right before he goes to bed. Its difficult getting fall projects done, unless of course the game is not on T.V. But there is always one team he likes playing on t.v., I take that back, even if he doesn't like them he still watches the game, I don't get it.

Enough about football. The boys got a wish to come true last Friday. I brought from my parents house two very small kittens that were abandoned my their mother. Some people think I am crazy, we bottle feed them every four hours(except at night) and plan on raising them. We already have three dogs(which don't know what to think of the cats) so some would ask what are you doing, but, some of my reasons are that kids need to be shown how to be compasionate(sp), I am hoping they will show more responsibility towards these cats, since they reeeaaalllyyy wanted them, and what the heck you are only a kid once and Grandma said she would take them back anytime(once they could eat on their own). So far so good the boys love them lots, little sis doesn't get to touch them when they are around. I wish Erin could have been here for this experience, she had a battery operated mechanical kitten(black and white) that was one of her favorite toys near the end. She always got a huge smile on her face when it would purr or meow. We sent it with her to heaven.

I had a doctors visit yesterday, only four more weeks to go. I am ready to reclaim my body.

Potty training for Laura? How is it going you ask?, not so good, she is afraid of the toilet. Little bribe treats haven't worked. I think I will back off for a while. What will it matter? I heard it once said that when filling out a job application there are no questions asking when you were weaned from the bottle, took your first step, got your first tooth or how old you were when you completely potty trained. So I am not worried.

I suppose I better stop there, thanks for visiting and remembering Erin.

Holli

-- Posted on Tuesday, August 30 2005

Good afternoon

I guess its about time to update again, so where do I start. Lets see, well, the boys first few days of school went well. To their surprise they have enjoyed eating lunch at school. Luke likes to complain about the nap time they have. He hasn't taken a nap regularly during the day since he was two. Grant has no complaints so far. Laura has gotten over them leaving, she has learned that she gets all of my attention during the day. Wait until the new one comes!! Rude awakening!!

Chris and I finally got a night out together and broke even at the horse races. Saturday night we took the boys to a movie. Sunday we expected to go to church and then a little light house cleaning but that didn't happen. Unexpectedly I began having a low backache and severe pain in my abdomen(sp). So we headed to the hospital, I wanted to be sure eveything was ok, besides the pain was getting worse. No problems with the baby, it was kidney stones. Actually just one, and everything is right once again. Some say having a kidney stone is some of the worse pain one can have. I have to disagree, true it was painful, but I have had some pretty painful contractions with childbirth.

As I was lying in the hospital that night, thoughts of Erin flooded back, mostly because of all the familiar sounds once again of being a hospital. The I.V. pump went off(started beeping) and I immediately wanted to hit the silence button, I knew where it was but I didn't want to step on anyones toes. I'm sure the nurses don't get to many patients that know how to run the equipment. I did talk them into letting me unhook myself from the baby monitors when I had to go to the bathroom.

I also realized all that I have to do before this baby is born. This week is being dedicated to finishing up the little things like vaccuming spider webs on the ceiling in the kitchen and laundry room, and dusting the wall hangings and ceiling fans. I also want to head out to Erins grave to change the flowers and add a little FALL FLAIR.

Here's hoping I get it all done!!

Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, August 24 2005

Afternoon

Well here we are half way thru the week already. The boys had their first taste of school today. They were both in such good moods this morning and ready to go. I only wish everyday could go as smoothly. They came home very excited about being back to school and seeing their friends.

Laura and I will have our first full day alone together tomorrow. I'm not sure what we are going to do. I think she will become somewhat bored as the day goes on and her brothers aren't around to play with.

I canned another 10 quarts of tomatoes on Saturday, and I am officially done. Chris would love for me to make some salsa, but I don't have a very good recipe, it doesn't turn out right.

I had my doctors appointment yesterday. Everything has gone just as planned, the baby's heart rate was perfect, I lost a pound, so that was perfect, and I can plan on having this baby somewhere around mid October. We have to decide the exact date we want and then tell them when I go back in for my next appointment, which is in two weeks.

The girl in Laura is oozing out of her more and more everyday. She is really into dressing up in dresses(and dancing like a ballerina(sp)) She likes to carry around a purse filled with stuff, and most days I have to spend a few moments playing babies with her. I wish Erin was here to play with her. I can't imagine what it would be like if the boys were at school and it had been just us girls at home. Laura needs another girl playmate, so Cathy, we have to get her and Allison together.

Well thats all for now I need to start supper. Thanks for visiting us.

Holli

-- Posted on Friday, August 19 2005

Good morning

What a busy week its been. I think we have been gone everyday this week. To think I wanted everything to be nice and calm the week before school started, you know to get everyone on schedule.

I cut the boys hair yesterday. They needed it so bad, and my sister is always booked. They just get a buzz cut so its not that difficult to do. We have to go back to the dentist today for the last time. The boys have had pleasant experiences there so its not hard when they have to back the next day to finish up the work they need done. I don't mean to make it sound like they have all this dental work they need done, they are little and they like to spread it out.

I canned another 12 quarts of stewed tomatoes this week. One more round and I will be ready for the winter. I have also been getting some things ready for the new baby. After I have it, I won't be doing much (major) cleaning, so I have been trying to get some of that done. I need to get the crib put back up. I also have a desk I need to move upstairs for the boys to do their homework on. This weekend should be rather busy with yard work, we also wanted to make it to the horse races one night.

I guess that wraps it up for the week, next week I have a doctors appt, so I probably won't update again until after that.

In my dream last night I got to see Erin running and walking around without her walker. I thought to myself, I need to get to her so she don't fall but then she just took off running and laughing. We were in church and she had a bag full of dolls and girly things, she was making lots of noise and having a good time, In my dream I kept thinking I couldn't wait for church to get out so I could play with her. Thankyou sweet angel for visiting me again. Daddy and Mommy love you lots and lots.

Later

Holli

-- Posted on Monday, August 15 2005

Afternoon everyone

Thanks uncle Brent for updating pictures again, I assume it was you who did it.

Chris made it back. They got rained on for most of the weekend, but you know guys, as long as they are out with other guys(no women or children) they will live thru anything. I had a little fun this weekend to. No need for details just want to say thanks to Randi for the interesting night, good company and good conversation. I still haven't checked out those videos you recommended. We will save that for another girls night out.

The boys go back to the dentist again this week to fill some cavities.

This is the last full week before school starts. The reality hasn't set in for either boy.

One short story of Erin. Today I stopped by my parents house, they had just gotten home themselves and my mom was going over the messages left on the phone. She has some very old messages saved, a couple of them being Erin. It was so good to hear her voice again. It was just like I had remembered it. My mom also played a message of Laura(very young, maybe 6mos old.) giggling. If only we could jump back in time like that. Push a button and for a while we are living in that moment again.

Thats all I have for now.

Holli

-- Posted on Saturday, August 13 2005

Good morning

Chris left yesterday for his weekend getaway. It looks like they have been getting rained on. The high for where they are today is 59 degrees not to mention the rain they might be receiving. Brrrr... Grant and Laura sure had a hard time with Dad leaving yesterday, lots of tears. I think alot of it stems from Erin illness and the kids having to stay with relatives, when Chris and I both had to be with Erin. None of us like to stray to far from home anymore. Even when we are all together we can't wait until we get back home. Chris and I are hoping that it will fade and being away from home or one another won't be so bad. Some probably think we are crazy, but we are just starting to settle back into ourselves from all the running and overnight stays we did with Erin.

Erin has been on my mind so much lately. I miss her so much. It goes in spurts as far as the bad days, and really wanting her back here. Its like you go for a couple of weeks knowing she is alright and so are you, and you love to look at all the pictures of her and think of all the times spent with her good or bad. Then you get a few hard days where all to want to do is cry when you see her picture. Its not a guilt feeling or sad feeling but kind of a self-pity feeling. All you ask God for is one more day, hour, minute, kiss, hug, just something from your loved one, just to make YOU feel better. Well I have made it thru another round of those days, pregnancy hormones make it harder. I have read books, pamphlets, articles on the "greiving process" and have come to the conclusion that anything goes. I think I fall close to that category.

Happy Birthday yesterday to my baby sister Sarah. She is 25. It still feels like she should be about 15. My oldest sibling my brother Marty will be 33 on Monday so Happy birthday to him.

I was just thinking this morning that last year at this time we had just recently had Erins very last MRI. We found out that the last 30 days of radiation had not affected the tumor and that there was new growth elsewhere. Talk about some very difficult news, but we, like we had been for the past year just took one day at a time. We knew there wasn't going to be much time with her, we tried to keep things very normal(as much as you can with cancer). I am very glad that Erin was to young to understand what was happening. I know she understood more than what we think. But what I am trying to say is that I am glad we never had to sit down with her and explain to her that she was going to die, that there was nothing more we could do for her.

Wow I have been updating for too long, I need to get Laura up and breakfast done. Thanks for visiting Erin site, and thanks for caring about us.

Holli

-- Posted on Monday, August 8 2005

Good morning

Last week Laura and I finally got our hair cut. Thankyou Sarah you did a great job. Laura looks so much older now. We left last Thursday for another getaway. Mahoney State Park was the final destination. We had a great time with Chris' family. Good weather always helps. I did a little too much hiking around my legs are killing me. I can't wait to get my old body back. It won't be long.

The boys have got all their school supplies, and uniforms ready to go. I finished up shopping yesterday.

Today the boys have dentist appointments, just one more task to get done before school. Hopefully by this weekend I will have enough tomatoes to can. Chris is going on a guy getaway weekend, this weekend. So I will be holding down the fort here. Once this baby is born I WILL get my chance to have some time with just the girls. There is a family reunion on Saturday that the kids and I might attend, it depends on the weather though, because its outside. If it is to hot we won't be going, I have had enough of the heat this summer.

One more quick story before I tend to the housework. This weekend we were at this wildlife park, Chris and his Dad decided to take a little hike, so my mother-in-law and I took the kids to get a snack and wait. We sat down on some picnic tables next to another family who had a little girl about 3years old. She had very blonde, very thin hair. After they left Grant said in a very concerned, caring way, "That little girl looks like she has cancer" I assured him that she was probably not sick and that she just had very light colored hair, and not much of it. I have to agree though when I first looked at her I saw Erin to.
Laura could have used her big sister to play with this weekend, she was the only girl, and being the youngest, the boys wouldn't play with her. She had to tag along and not get in the way.
Thank to everyone for their suggestions on how to include Erin in our family photo. There were some great ideas, I will run them past the photographer and see what they think as well.

Thanks for visiting

Chris Holli and family

-- Posted on Sunday, July 31 2005

Good afternoon

We have returned from vacation. We left last Wednesday, and had a great time in the Black Hills. We did lots of sight seeing, which isn't always a good idea with a two year old, but we made it. We also visited kid friendly places. We hope to go back next summer when Laura is a little older. The new baby will have to stay behind with a grandparent.

Erin was greatly missed this weekend as this was our first real vacation without her. The last time we went anywhere for fun, and of great distance was Colorado, when Erin was about 8 mos. old. We kept thinking about what it would have been like to have her with us this weekend.

There was lots to do since coming home, laundry to catch up on, mowing the lawn(which I need to go back outside and help with) and garden work. It was a great vaction, but nothing beats the feeling of being back home. I wonder if that is what it feels like when we enter heaven. Is it like we have been gone on vacation(a good one or not), and then finally we make it back home????

There are a few more getaways for the summer then back to school. I have been thinking about getting family pictures lined up for this fall once the new baby arrives and I want to have Erin somehow remembered in the picture with us. If you have any ideas let me know. I guess if you get what I am trying to say, its hard to explain what I mean.

Well duty calls, thanks for visiting.

Holli

-- Posted on Wednesday, July 27 2005

Good morning

I hope you all had a chance to read that article we posted here. I trust you told your friends and family what you read, getting the word out there is a start!

I went to the doctor yesterday, all looks great. My doctor gave me an A+. I will see him in another four weeks then after that its every two weeks. I also found out that I can have the baby delivered anywhere from two weeks to ten days before my due date. I am going to be having a repeat c-section, so that is the reason I can go earlier, my doctor doesn't like to take any chances of anything going wrong.

We are enjoying the beautiful weather outside, finally cooled off. My garden is thriving, I picked fifteen tomatoes the other day. Grant ate three of them right away. I wish the other two kids loved veggies as much as he does.

Not much else going on here, kids are calling and my train of thought is gone now anyway.
More to come later,
Holli

-- Posted on Friday, July 22 2005

Who's Fighting Cancer in Kids? Drug Firms Not Interested

By Liz Szabo, USA TODAY

(July 20) -- Fourteen-year-old Max Levine owes his life to experimental cancer therapies. Yet a drug that helped keep him alive might never reach the market.

University pharmacists mix the medication, called 131I-MIBG, for patients who have no other options, says his doctor, John Maris, an associate professor at The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Max's disease - neuroblastoma, a tumor of the nervous system - afflicts just 650 children a year and is too rare to attract drug developers, Maris says. The tumor, like all childhood cancers, is considered an "orphan" disease.

"If our trial is successful, and we prove this drug cures patients, there is no guarantee that anyone is going to make it," Maris says. "We could say, 'We've proved this drug works, but we don't have any.' " (Related story: Kids' cancer drugs run short)

Maris is one of many doctors who are frustrated by the lack of interest in developing drugs for young cancer patients. A government report in April found a "near absence" of research into pediatric cancer drugs. About half of the oncology drugs used to treat children are at least 20 years old, according to the report by the Institute of Medicine, a non-profit group that advises the government on health policy.

Most drugs given to children were developed for adults, then passed down to children. In the past 10 years, only one cancer drug, Clolar, has received initial approval for children.

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Stephen Sallan, chief of staff at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, says adults attract more cancer research than children because they are a far larger and more lucrative market. Patients younger than 20 make up 12,400 of the nearly 1.4 million Americans stricken with cancer each year. Drug companies are generally unwilling to invest hundreds of millions of dollars into such a small market, he says.

Why adults instead of kids

Drug companies say there are sound reasons to focus on adults. Susan Desmond-Hellman, president of product development at Genentech, says she's compelled by the opportunity to help large numbers of patients. Not only does cancer strike far more adults, but their disease is less curable: 64% of adult cancer patients can be cured, compared with 80% of kids.

Organizing clinical trials for children also is difficult, Desmond-Hellman says. Because doctors are reluctant to try experimental drugs in kids who might be cured by standard ones, only a fraction of pediatric patients are eligible for early clinical trials. Enrolling enough kids to test a new drug can take years.

There are financial risks, as well. Companies typically invest more than 10 years and $800 million to bring new medicines to market, according to the Tufts Center for the Study of Drug Development.

Companies fear that if problems surface during pediatric trials, an otherwise promising drug might never be approved at all, even in adults. "It's a big risk for a small reward," Sallan says.

Because new, patented drugs are the most profitable, relatively few companies are interested in the older, generic drugs on which young patients depend, says Mary Relling, pharmaceutical department chair at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital in Memphis.

Production problems at one plant can disrupt the entire supply of a drug. Recently, doctors have struggled with shortages of at least five key oncology drugs. In one case, some children have had to go without a leukemia drug.

Doctors such as Sallan say they don't want to give up on children with cancer, who have perhaps more to lose from the disease than other patients. Young survivors pay a high price, their bodies scorched for up to three years with therapies so toxic that many are left permanently disabled.

New "targeted" therapies, which mostly spare patients from the ravages of conventional chemotherapy, might allow young survivors to lead normal, healthy lives, Sallan says. These breakthrough drugs are being tested almost exclusively in adults, however. Only one, Gleevec, has been tested in children and approved for their use.

Targeted drugs developed for adults might not help children, says Mitchell Cairo, chief of pediatric hematology and bone-marrow transplantation at the Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital at Columbia University.

Chemotherapy works for all ages because the drugs act broadly, poisoning growing cells - healthy and malignant - throughout the body. Today's "smart drugs" target only cells with particular genes, Cairo says. But the genes targeted in common adult cancers may not be the same ones that drive pediatric tumors. And targeted therapies often work for only a fraction of patients with particular types of cancer, which could shrink the market even further.

Maris says what children really need are drugs designed just for them.

The Food and Drug Administration has created a number of incentives to encourage companies to make pediatric drugs.

Through its orphan drug program, the FDA awarded Genzyme seven years to sell Clolar without competition from generics. Because Genzyme tested the drug in children, the FDA extended that exclusivity by six months. The FDA also gave Clolar "accelerated approval" in December, based on a study of 49 patients.

Yet such incentives haven't done enough to promote new pediatric drugs, according to the IOM report. Businesses have no incentive to test drugs in children early, because they receive the same benefits if they conduct trials before or after approval, the report concludes.

"There's a reason these drugs haven't gone forward," says David Parkinson, who collaborated on the report and heads the oncology development at Amgen. "They cost more to develop than they will potentially earn."

Promising strategies

Some doctors say they're starting to see progress. Researchers are testing more than 20 targeted therapies in children, says Malcolm Smith, associate branch chief of pediatrics for the National Cancer Institute's cancer therapy evaluation program. Several medications such as Velcade, Rituxan and Iressa already have been on the market for adults for several years. Many doctors would like to see drugs tested in children earlier.

That's why the NCI recently created a program to screen 10 to 15 promising drugs in the lab against common pediatric tumors.

Advances in molecular biology also may help. At Dana-Farber, scientists enroll patients in studies based on the biology of their tumors, not on their age, Sallan says. Doctors are planning to test a drug in adults and children with a type of leukemia.

St. Jude has launched a $10 million effort to begin testing drugs earlier. The hospital's director, William Evans, hopes industry eventually will collaborate with St. Jude, which recently opened a drug-making facility, to develop new therapies.

More coordination is needed

While such steps are encouraging, they are still far too rare, Parkinson says.

He suggests a more systematic approach: Government, university scientists, industry leaders and patient advocates could form a "public-private partnership" to jump-start drug development. Through this kind of partnership, biotech firms might share their "libraries" of experimental compounds, Parkinson says.

The NCI could help coordinate trials, and companies could keep the right to sell successful products. The partnership, acting like a non-profit corporation, could shepherd drugs through the approval process, then commercialize them.

"We will need someone to drive this process, to say, 'Our mission is to develop new cancer drugs for children,' " says Peter Adamson, an editor of the IOM report and chairman of the developmental therapeutics program of the Children's Oncology Group, a national research consortium. In the case of abandoned drugs, the IOM report calls on the NCI to step in as "developer of last resort."

Families say they are willing to do their part. Nearly half of child cancer patients participate in NCI-sponsored clinical trials, compared with only about 4% of adults, Smith says.

Max's mother, Sue Levine, says she's counting on scientists to come up with new drugs. Experimental therapies have given Max two years. Although 131I-MIBG stopped working after six months, it kept the Cherry Hill, N.J., boy alive long enough to become eligible for another experimental drug, which has controlled his cancer for a year and a half.

"The fact that my son is here playing with his GameBoy is a miracle," Levine says. "If my son can give these doctors some knowledge, he's willing to try it."

-- Posted on Tuesday, July 19 2005

Good morning

We had a good time at the fair this weekend. The kids rode the ponies in memory of Erin. We really missed her this weekend, I feel guilty at first then sad when we go out and do family things. I'm not sure that will ever go away.

Luke told me yesterday that he wants to be done with swimming lessons. I knew he got scared last time. I just hope he doesn't become to fearful of the water. I don't know which would be better for him, take him out until next year, or make him go thinking his fear will be overcome.

Chris has a big tubing/camping trip planned this weekend. He is planning on taking Grant with him. Temperatures are going to be close to 100. Luke doesn't seem to mind staying home with me and Laura. I will probably be canning corn this weekend. Canning for this year started yesterday with four quarts of pickles. I can't wait for those tomatoes to ripen up so I can get started on those.

Thank you God for the rain, we finally got some on Sunday night. It looks like its going to be a while before we get anymore.

Stay cool this week!!

The Bettenhausens

-- Posted on Friday, July 15 2005

Good morning

I would like to start off with a memory of Erin this morning. Yesterday Laura was digging thru her closet and found Erins make-up(make-uck as Erin said it) box. It wasn't anywhere she could reach it but threw a tantrum until I let her look at it. When Erin was alive she would sit at the kitchen table and mess with all her goodies, with little Laura watching from the side, not able to touch anything! These were Erin's girly things and very precious to her, Laura was just the little sister trying to get in the way. Erin, I hope you are not mad, that I gave it to your little sister. She has been taking very good care of it. When she is done playing she is careful in making sure everything gets put back. I make her sit at the kitchen table just as Erin did. It has real make-up in it, kid stuff, very bright colors that wouldn't match the carpet. Erin I wish you were here to share with Laura your own make-up, dress-up was always fun with my sisters, it makes me sad Laura won't get to experience that with you.

Well we gave in and have already taken the kids to the Platte Co. Fair. Laura was so excited so see all the lights, and RIDES! Its difficult getting her off when the ride is over. She doesn't fully understand whats going on.

The boys had swimming lessons again yesterday. Luke is so scared to go under the water, he said he is afraid he won't come back up. I could see the look on is face, he about started crying. He did it anyway and was very proud of himself for what he did do, although I don't think he followed thru with the rest of the instructions, he was worried about getting the water out of his eyes. He has agreed to go back which amazes me, he also said that this weekend he would practice at home in the pool.

As for this weekend, just a few "fair" events. The rodeo tonight at the Madison Co. Fair. The boys like the bull riding, they are hoping to get to do the mutton busting, which is riding sheep, for those of you that don't know. I just talked to my mom and she said they drew Grants name last night to ride, hopefully they can work it out and enter his name again in the drawing since we didn't make it last night.

Well I have be typing for to long and its time to do the housework, and yardwork. Thanks for visiting and have a good weekend.

-- Posted on Wednesday, July 13 2005

Good morning

What a week it would be to be a kid again. We have two county fairs going on within about 40 miles of each other. The boys are very excited about this. This morning I overheard them discussing which rides they were going to ride on this year. Grant is hoping he is tall enough for the bumper cars. Luke said he can't wait for the cotton candy!

Last summer Erin got to enjoy the fair along with the other kids. She got to do one thing, that Chris and I both think was on her to do list before she died, and that was to ride a horse(pony to be exact). Horse were her favorite animal. I can still see that huge smile of hers as she was sitting on top of the pony. On our way to swimming lessons yesterday I reminded the boys of Erin at last years fair and how much fun we had. Grant said that he is sure Erin has her own pony up in heaven. Luke wanted to know if there were "fair rides" up in heaven, then stated that if there were, Erin got to ride them whenever she wanted. I just agreed with them. I like to think heaven is everything and anything we want it to be. Grant said he wants to be old when he dies but be a kid again when he gets to heaven. They ask ME if all of this is possible. What do you think?

Erin if you can send us some rain, Please! I am tired of watering the garden and lawn.

Thanks for visiting,
Chris Holli and family

-- Posted on Friday, July 8 2005

Afternoon

I thought I would update one more time this week, although not much has happened this week. We just got back from a day at Grandpa and Grandma house. They have their hands full. They are watching my sisters kids for the weekend. How easily they forget what its like to have kids. I think they are just used to sending them back home with their parents when the day is done. My youngest sister was there with her little one. I don't get to see them much, her little guy is getting so big.

Yesterday I took down a picture of Erin and the boys. She didn't look very well in it and it always seemed to make me sad when I looked at it. No picture should make you sad, but this one was taken about three days before she died. I could see the pain in her eyes, and I was tired of looking into that picture and thinking about if I had done all I could to keep her comfortable(pain wise). So its gone and I am not going to think about it anymore, well for a while until I run into that picture again.

It feels as though summer is half over already, We are trying to get the boys geared up for school. We talk about what its going to be like for Luke to be at school all day. He is really excited and keeps reminding me that we need to buy him, his uniforms. The house is going to be nice and quiet for about a month, then the new one will be out and crying.

I should wrap this up, its Friday and I would like to have the house somewhat clean for the weekend. Thankyou for visiting Erin site, and thankyou for the guestbook entries they really mean a lot to us.

Chris, Holli, and family

-- Posted on Tuesday, July 5 2005

Good morning

Well, we all survived. No major burns, good food, good company, but a huge lack of sleep, and everyone still could use a few more hours.

We all thought of Erin this weekend. We sure do miss her when the family gets together. That glowing little smile was missing. I wonder what fireworks look like from heaven?

I got out some baby pictures of Erin last week and tried to think about what it would be like now if that perfect little girl in those pictures was still here. How good would she be talking? Would her and Laura play dolls together just as the boys play with army men? How would Lauras life be impacted by having an older sister around? All questions I will never get the answers to. I am ok with that.

Time to fold some laundry and break up the arguing going on upstairs. I wish my entires could be more interesting but this is our life without Erin, no doubt she brought happiness and wonder to us. And without her life seems a bit more monotonous.

Enjoy your short work week!!

Holli

-- Posted on Friday, July 1 2005

Good morning

Big holiday weekend coming up, drive carefully if you'll be on the road. Be aware of each other when lighting fireworks! So far no major burns here(knock on wood). We don't have any definite plans for the weekend. Which is good. We like to keep our options open. The last two Fourth of July holidays were spent with Erin in the hospital, and the other kids had to spend it with extended family. It will be nice to be together this year.

My doctors appointment went good. I didn't gain any weight this time. The baby is still in the same postion it was last time. He was moving all around, the doctor noted what an active child it was. I go back again at the end of July.

The kids spent most of the day with Grandpa and Grandma, they stopped by early yesterday morning and decided to take the kids with them. I had about four hours to myself. It was almost boring, got some laundry fo